Self-Made Man Read online

  For one thing, I would have experienced far more satisfaction living as Ned.

  Transsexuals generally report that passing as a member of the opposite sex is an immense and pleasurable relief. They feel that they have finally come into their own after many years of living in disguise.

  Just the opposite was true for me.

  I rarely enjoyed and never felt in any way fulfilled personally by being perceived and treated as a man. I have never, as many transsexuals assert, felt myself to be a man trapped in the wrong body. On the contrary, I identify deeply with both my femaleness and my femininity, such as it is, more so after Ned, in fact, than ever before.

  As you will see, being Ned was often an uncomfortable and alienating experience, and far from finding myself in him, I usually felt kept from myself in some elemental way. While living as Ned, I had to work hard to make myself do his work, to be him. It did not come naturally at all, and once he had served his purpose, I was happy to discard him.

  As for cross-dressing, this, too, was not definitive for me or particularly enjoyable. I can’t deny the brief thrill I felt in getting away with the disguise, and in seeing a part of everyday life that other women don’t see. Wearing a dick between my legs was an odd and mildly titillating experience for a day or two. But that frisson wore off quickly, and I found myself inhabiting a persona that wasn’t mine, trying to approximate something that I am not and did not wish to be.

  This is, therefore, not a confessional memoir. I am not resolving a sexual identity crisis. There is intimate territory being explored here. No question. As my childhood proclivities can attest, I have always been and remain fascinated, puzzled and even disturbed at times by gender, both as a cultural and a psychological phenomenon whose boundaries are both mysteriously fluid and rigid. Culturally speaking, I have always lived as my truest self somewhere on the boundary between masculine and feminine, and living there has made this project more immediate and meaningful to me. What’s more, I did partake in my own experiment, live it and internalize its effects. Being Ned changed me and the people around me, and I have attempted to record those changes.

  But to say that I conducted and recorded the results of an experiment is not to say that this book pretends to be a scientific or objective study. Not even close. Nothing I say here will have any value except as one person’s observations about her own experience. What follows is just my view of things, myopic and certainly inapplicable to anything so grand as a pronouncement on gender in American society. My observations are full of my own prejudices and preconceptions, though I have tried as much as possible to qualify them accordingly. This book is a travelogue as much as anything else, and a circumscribed one at that, a six-city tour of an entire continent, a woman’s-eye view of one guy’s approximated life, not an authoritative guide to the whole vast and variegated terrain of manhood in America.

  I wanted to taste portions of male experience and I wanted the people I met, the characters, their stories and our shared encounters to play as large a role as possible in my reportage. Yet I knew I had to impose some organizing principle on the final product.

  I found that simply walking down the street as a man, while fruitful the first time or two I did it, didn’t give me enough substantive material to work with in the long term. I needed, I realized, to create discrete experiences for Ned in which he would make friends, socialize, work, date and be himself around people who didn’t know him, but whom he would get to know and sketch as more than acquaintances. True immersion was required, as were sustainable characters in manageable settings. I felt it would be too unwieldy to throw dozens of people at the reader in one long, confusing march of scattered themes and impressions, so instead, I chose to confine each setting and cast of characters to one chapter, and let the significant themes emerge from there.

  Chapter two, for example, is about my eight-month stint on a men’s bowling team. Leisure, play and friendship are the salient themes, though others do present themselves and recur in later chapters. Chapter three is about strip club culture. Sex drive and fantasy are its prevailing themes. Chapters four and six cover the more normative experiences of dating and working as a man, while chapters five and seven—which take place in a monastery and a men’s movement group, respectively—represent my attempts to use the advantage of my male trappings to do what I could never do as a woman: infiltrate exclusive all-male environments and if possible learn their secrets.

  I had each of these experiences in the order in which they appear—that is, I finished the season on the men’s bowling team before I went to the monastery, or to work, or to the men’s group meetings—so the general timeline is preserved, as well, I hope, as the sense of Ned’s accumulated growth and knowledge about masculine experience.

  In order to disguise the identities of those involved, I have changed the names of every character, place of business and institution, and purposely omitted all specific references to location. So while I conducted my experiment in five separate states, in three different regions of the United States, I have avoided naming those states or regions.

  Finally, a word on method. It will become clear to you if it is not already that I deceived a lot of people in order to write this book. I can make only one excuse for this. Deception is part and parcel of imposture, and imposture was necessary in this experiment. It could not have been otherwise. In order to see how people would treat me as a man, I had to make them believe that I was a man, and accordingly I had to hide from them the fact that I am a woman. Doing so entailed various breaches of trust, some more serious than others. This may not sit well with some or perhaps most of you. In certain ways it did not sit well with me either, and was, as you will see, a source of considerable strain as time wore on.

  I began my journey with a fairly naive idea about what to expect. I thought that passing was going to be the hardest part. But it wasn’t at all. I did that far more easily than I thought I would. The difficulty lay in the consequences of passing, and that I had not even considered. As I lived snippets of a male life, one part of my brain was duly taking notes and making observations, intellectualizing the raw material of Ned’s experience, but another part of my brain, the subconscious part, was taking blows to the head, and eventually those injuries caught up with me.

  In that sense I can say with relative surety that in the end I paid a higher emotional price for my circumstantial deceptions than any of my subjects did. And that is, I think, penalty enough for meddling.

  2

  Friendship

  When I told my proudly self-confessed trailer-trash girlfriend that Ned was joining a men’s bowling league, she said by way of advice, “Just remember that the difference between your people and my people is that my people bowl without irony.” Translation: hide your bourgeois flag, or you’ll get the smugness beaten out of you long before they find out you’re a woman.

  People who play in leagues for money take bowling seriously, and they don’t take kindly to journalists infiltrating their hard-won social lives, especially when the interloper in question hasn’t bowled more than five times in her life, and then only for a lark.

  But my ineptitude and oddball status notwithstanding, bowling was the obvious choice. It’s the ultimate social sport, and as such it would be a perfect way for Ned to make friends with guys as a guy. Better yet, I wouldn’t have to expose any suspicious body parts or break a heavy sweat and risk smearing my beard.

  Still, in practice, it wasn’t as easy as it sounded. Taking that first step through the barrier between Ned the character in my head and Ned the real guy among the fellas proved to be more jarring than I could have ever imagined.

  Any smartly dressed woman who has ever walked the gaunt-let of construction workers on lunch break or otherwise found herself suddenly alone in unfamiliar male company with her sex on her sleeve will understand a lot of how it felt to walk into that bowling alley for the first time on men’s league night. Those guys may not have known that I was a woman, but the min
ute I opened the door and felt the air of that place waft over me, every part of me did.

  My eyes blurred in panic. I didn’t see anything. I remember being aware only of a wave of noise and imagined distrust coming at me from undistinguishable faces. Probably only one or two people actually turned to look, but it felt as if every pair of eyes in the place had landed on me and stuck.

  I’d felt a milder version of this before in barbershops or auto body shops. This palpable unbelonging that came of being the sole female in an all-male environment. And the feeling went right through my disguise and my nerve and told me that I wasn’t fooling anyone.

  This was a men’s club, and men’s clubs have an aura about them, a mostly forbidding aura that hangs in the air. Females tend to respond to it viscerally, as they are meant to. The unspoken signs all say NO GIRLS ALLOWED and KEEP OUT or, more idly, ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK.

  As a woman, you don’t belong. You’re not wanted. And every part of you knows it, and is just begging you to get up and leave.

  And I nearly did leave, even though I’d only made it two steps inside the door and hadn’t even been able to look up yet for fear of meeting anyone’s eyes. After standing there frozen for several minutes, I had just about worked up the gumption to retreat and call off the whole thing when the league manager saw me.

  “Are you Ned?” he asked, rushing up to me. “We’ve been waiting for you.”

  He was a tiny, wizened stick figure, with a five-day growth of gray stubble on his chin, a crew cut to match, a broken front tooth and a black watch cap.

  I had called earlier in the week to find out about the league, and he’d told me what time to show up and which guy to ask for when I got there. I was late already, and my nervous hesitations had made me later.

  “Yeah,” I croaked, trying to keep my voice down and my demeanor unshaken.

  “Great,” he said, grabbing me by the arm. “C’mon and get yourself some shoes and a ball.”

  “Okay,” I said, following his lead.

  There was no getting out of it now.

  He walked me over to the front desk and left me there with the attendant, who was helping another bowler. As I stood waiting, I was able for the first time to focus on something beyond myself and my fear of immediate detection. I looked at the rows of cubbyholes behind the desk, all with those familiar red, blue and white paneled shoes stuffed in them in pairs. Seeing them comforted me a little. They reminded me of the good times I’d always had bowling with friends as a kid, and I felt a little surge of carelessness at the prospect of making a fool out of myself. So what if I couldn’t bowl? This was an experiment about people, not sport, and nobody had yet pointed and laughed. Maybe I could do this after all.

  I got my shoes, took them over to a row of orange plastic bucket chairs and sat down to change. This gave me a few more minutes to take in the scene, a few more minutes to breathe and watch people’s eyes to see if they followed me, or if they passed over me and moved on.

  A quick scan satisfied me that nobody seemed suspicious.

  So far so good.

  I’d chosen well in choosing a bowling alley. It was just like every other bowling alley I’d ever seen; it felt familiar. The decor was lovingly down at heel and generic to the last detail, like something out of a mail-order kit, complete with the cheap plywood paneling and the painted slogans on the walls that said: BOWLING IS FAMILY FUN. There were the usual shabby cartoons of multicolored balls and pins flying through the air, and the posted scores of top bowlers. The lanes, too, were just as I remembered them, long and glistening with that mechanized maw scraping at the end.

  And then, of course, there were the smells; cigarette smoke, varnish, machine oil, leaky toilets, old candy wrappers and accumulated public muck all commingling to produce that signature bowling alley scent that envelops you the moment you enter and clings to you long after.

  As far as I could see, only one thing had really changed in the last fifteen years. Scoring wasn’t done by hand anymore. Instead, everything was computerized. You just entered the names and averages of each player on the console at your table, and the computer did the rest, registering scores, calculating totals and flashing them on monitors above each lane.

  As I scoped the room, I noticed the team captains all busily attending to their monitors. Meanwhile their teammates were strapping on wrist braces and dusting their palms with rosin, or taking advantage of a few last minutes of pregame practice.

  I could see then that this was going to be laughable. They were all throwing curve balls that they’d been perfecting for twenty years. I couldn’t even remember how to hold a bowling ball, much less wing it with any precision. And that was the least of my worries. I was in drag in a well-lighted place, surrounded by some sixty-odd guys who would have made me very nervous under normal circumstances.

  I was dressed as down and dirty as Ned got in a plaid shirt, jeans and a baseball cap pulled low over the most proletarian glasses I could find. But despite my best efforts, I was still far too scrubbed and tweedy amid these genuine articles to pass for one of them. Even at my burliest, next to them I felt like a petunia strapped to a Popsicle stick.

  I was surrounded by men who had cement dust in their hair and sawdust under their fingernails. They had nicotine-sallowed faces that looked like ritual masks, and their hands were as tough and scarred as falcon gloves. These were men who, as one of them told me later, had been shoveling shit their whole lives.

  Looking at them I thought: it’s at times like these when the term “real man” really hits home with you, and you understand in some elemental way that the male animal is definitely not a social construct.

  I didn’t see how this could possibly work. If I was passing, I was passing as a boy, not a man, and a candy boy at that. But if they were judging me, you wouldn’t have known it from the way they greeted me.

  The league manager led me toward the table where my new teammates were sitting. As we approached, they all turned to face me.

  Jim, my team captain, introduced himself first. He was about five feet six, a good four inches shorter than I am, with a lightweight build, solid shoulders, but skinny legs and oddly small feet—certainly smaller than mine, which have now topped out at an alarming men’s eleven and a half. This made me feel a little better. He actually came across as diminutive. He wore his baseball cap high on his head, and a football jersey that draped over his jeans almost to his knees. He had a mustache and a neat goatee. Both were slightly redder than his light brown head of hair, and effectively hid the boyish vulnerability of his mouth. He was thirty-three, but in bearing, he seemed younger. He wasn’t a threat to anyone and he knew it, as did everyone who met him. But he wasn’t a weak link either. He was the scrappy guy in the pickup basketball game.

  As he extended his arm to shake my hand, I extended mine, too, in a sweeping motion. Our palms met with a soft pop, and I squeezed assertively the way I’d seen men do at parties when they gathered in someone’s living room to watch a football game. From the outside, this ritual had always seemed overdone to me. Why all the macho ceremony? But from the inside it was completely different. There was something so warm and bonded in this handshake. Receiving it was a rush, an instant inclusion in a camaraderie that felt very old and practiced.

  It was more affectionate than any handshake I’d ever received from a strange woman. To me, woman-to-woman introductions often seem fake and cold, full of limp gentility. I’ve seen a lot of women hug one another this way, too, sometimes even women who’ve known each other for a long time and think of themselves as being good friends. They’re like two backward magnets pushed together by convention. Their arms and cheeks meet, and maybe the tops of their shoulders, but only briefly, the briefest time politeness will allow. It’s done out of habit and for appearances, a hollow, even resentful, gesture bred into us and rarely felt.

  This solidarity of sex was something that feminism tried to teach us, and something, it now seemed to me, that men figured out and
perfected a long time ago. On some level men didn’t need to learn or remind themselves that brotherhood was powerful. It was just something they seemed to know.

  When this man whom I’d never met before shook my hand he gave me something real. He included me. But most of the women I’d ever shaken hands with or even hugged had held something back, as if we were in constant competition with each other, or secretly suspicious, knowing it but not knowing it, and going through the motions all the same. In my view bra burning hadn’t changed that much.

  Next I met Allen. His greeting echoed Jim’s. It had a pronounced positive force behind it, a presumption of goodwill that seemed to mark me as a buddy from the start, no questions asked, unless or until I proved otherwise.

  “Hey, man,” he said. “Glad to see you.”

  He was about Jim’s height and similarly built. He had the same goatee and mustache, too. He was older, though, and looked it. At forty-four, he was a study in substance abuse and exposure to the elements. His face was permanently flushed and pocked with open pores; a cigarette-, alcohol-and occupation-induced complexion that his weather-bleached blond hair and eyebrows emphasized by contrast.

  Bob I met last. We didn’t shake hands, just nodded from across the table. He was short, too, but not lean. He was forty-two and he had a serious middle-aged belly filling out his T-shirt, the unbeltable kind that made you wonder what held up his pants. He had sizable arms, but no legs or ass, the typical beer-hewn silhouette. He had a ragged salt-and-pepper mustache, and wore large glasses with no-nonsense metal frames and slightly tinted aviator lenses.

  He wasn’t the friendly type.

  Thankfully, Jim did most of the talking that first night, and with his eyes, he included me in the conversation from the beginning. He had known Bob and Allen for a long time. They had all been playing golf and poker together several times a month for years, and Allen was married to Bob’s sister. I was a stranger out of nowhere without any shared work or home life experience to offer, and Jim’s social generosity gave me an in.